“Let go of the need to control the outcome. Trust the process. Trust your intuition. Trust yourself.” ~Unknown
I was talking with a friend one day at work, and we were discussing dating and the rejection that comes with that and the sense of failure and disappointment.
We were talking about how we struggle to even get close to dating someone because we get in our own way, and our thoughts stop us from moving forward because we’re scared. We’re scared, so we blow the situation up with our inability to sit with the uneasiness of not knowing what the other person’s intentions are and whether or not this new potential partner can be trusted.
We second-guess, we doubt their intentions, and we worry about where the relationship may be going. We assume and we make stories up in our heads and ask random and abrupt questions out of nowhere hoping to get an answer to end our anxiety-ridden suffering.
Just recently I was rejected by a guy I wanted to know more about because I pushed for answers and for things to move faster than he may have been ready for. I struggled to let things evolve naturally because I feared the unknown and felt uncomfortable with my uneasiness.
I’ve since begun dating again and putting myself out there, but I continuously find that I sabotage any potential relationship before it even becomes a relationship because my thoughts get in the way. But also because the hurt child within myself, who feels scared when she is vulnerable, repels all that may be good for her to return to what is familiar, the aloneness. Because there, she can’t be hurt. However, through this process I continue to hurt myself deeply.
Time and time again this has happened, and I find it extremely frustrating and annoying to be stuck in this loop.
I also find that when I am rejected it’s like this insurmountable blow to my hurt inner child, and I take the rejection personally, as though there is something within me that isn’t good enough. Or I feel as though I have done something wrong and that’s why they’ve rejected me.
It struggles to come to me that we simply are not compatible or that it just wasn’t meant to be. The rejection runs all the way to the hurt child within, and I struggle to reconcile this within myself.
Sense of Failure
I then interpret this rejection as a personal failure on my part, since I wasn’t calm and open enough to allow things to evolve naturally. I feel bad about myself because I failed to be out of my head and in my heart, and I allowed my hurt inner child to once again to take over, consume my thoughts, and overrule rational thought.
It’s frustrating for me that I keep struggling to stay calm and let things just be in flow since I’ve been trying to master for some time now.
However, I know that this isn’t what I want to do anymore, and I know that one day I will master this sense of calm within the uneasiness life tends to bring, and I will have the loving relationship I so desire.
If we recognize our patterns and work on the underlying issues, it’s just a matter of time till we see progress.
I am not scared to keep trying and to keep putting myself out there. Even though I was recently rejected, I’m proud of myself for taking a chance, stepping out from my comfort zone, and breaking down the façade I’ve built up over the years.
I’m also proud that during my interactions with this man, I was engaged, present with what was occurring right in front of me, and from that I take note that every step forward is one more step in the right direction.
I’m also trying to focus in on the now and to stop my thoughts from running away from me. Yes, the man I was hoping to develop a relationship with has retreated, but I see that I am okay and that my world has not fallen apart because one man has rejected me, so I know I will be able to try again.
I focus on what I have in my life to be grateful for, and I’ve been flooding my brain with positive affirmations and remembering my daily mantra that “I am deserving.”
I know that I am a smart, brilliant, and amazing woman who has had a phenomenal journey of healing and recovery and who is simply trying to do her best with this new hurdle. I continue to reiterate this message to myself, and my level of rejection and sense of failure continue to improve as time goes on.
I look at how far I have come and the growth that has occurred in the past year, and I am pleased to see that I now have trust within myself, to where I am at least comfortable to put myself out there in the dating world.
I will continue trying not to force things so relationships can naturally evolve as they will. I know this will happen for me. I just need to keep trusting myself and keep showing up for me.
Have you ever felt scared and uneasy at the beginning of a relationship? What helps you relax, let go, and let things happen?
About Emma Junhankit
Emma is a Social Worker who has worked with Child Protection and currently with Asylum Seekers. She has a great deal of knowledge around trauma informed practice through the professional space but also the lived experience. She has been in the welfare sector for eight years and is about to begin a Yoga Teacher Training course in Thailand- Koh Samui. You can follow her on Instagram here.